Butchered in Burbank
Originally Aired: 12/09/2012
- Death-fecate (Robot #1)
- All problems are solved after a trip to the loo.
- The Robin Hood Philosophy (Robot #1)
- Apparently Robin Hood's motivation was never fully thought out.
- Revised Lessons of Dr. Suess (Narrator)
- The nurturing teachings of Dr. Seuss are re-branded for a younger and more-vile generation.
In a town called Los Angeles, people felt groovy
For The Lorax opened one hell of a movie
The studio was happy, the parties were tasteful
But poor Mr. Lorax found it all wasteful
"This sucks" he complained as they toasted crystal
"They haven't been listening to me at all!"
Then out popped the Moola, a marvelous chap
While the Lorax droned on with his usual crap
"My name is The Lorax, I speak for the trees"
But the marvelous Moola just did one of these
And rolling his eyes interrupted "Oh, please!"
"Our planet is fucked, and your ernest as hell"
"But that hippity dippity crap doesn't sell!"
"We can all make a difference, no matter how tiny"
He said and the Moola shot back "God, you're whiny!"
"Nobody likes a shrill libral shower!"
"So I fixed up your film with my new Message-Outer!"
"It snipped up your message. Dude, morals are lame."
"The real money's made in the merchandise game!"
And then with a big mighty roar from his trunk
Appeared Horton the Elephant washing his junk.
"Oh, Lorax" said Horton "I know how you feel"
"I once had a whole goody-goody type Spiel"
"A person's a person, no matter how small"
"Let me tell you, that shit didn't catch on at all!"
"So I got a new look, a new name, something blunter."
"I've rebranded myself now as Horton, Who-hunter!"
From the shadows, A Cat in the Hat overheard.
And approaching the Lorax said "What up, nerd?"
"You taught the kids to responsibly play!"
But the Cat in the Hat said "That crap didn't pay!"
"Forget cleaning houses, I'm straight cleaning up, guy!"
"Now, I'm off to go hang with Joe Marroquin"
"I've been living the dream, and if parents are pissed"
"They can put in a call to my new publicists!"
"Thing 1 and Thing 2, they're both on my payroll!"
The Lorax was stunned "Holy crap, what an a-hole!"
"No more" said the Lorax "No more of these speeches!"
"How 'bout just one more? You remember the Sneetches?"
"We once had a message, and a good one too, bro!"
"But did we get a movie? Well, did we? HELL, NO!"
"We tried to teach tolerance, and where did that get us?"
"So, fuck it! We'd rather make mountains of lettuce!"
"There's my house, it's 12 stories with 40 jakoozies"
"6 cars, 19 butlers, unlimited floozies"
"It's what it's about, man! It's capitalism"
And the Lorax responded with geysers of fizzin'"
Thanks to the Moola, that marketing whore
He could finally see what he hadn't before
"I'll get me an agent, an accountant named Parcel"
"A toy line, a lunch box, an Ihop commercial"
And then the Lorax got rich and was totally stoked
Until the day he contracted AIDS, and then croaked.